Looking back at what I once had and what I have now, I realize that a lot of things had changed. For one, some of the closest friends that I once had and vow to never lose them escaped my grip. Somewhere during the process of growing up and going to university, we had forgotten each other and I realize that I miss the camaraderie that we once had.
I suppose this is part of life, losing some of your old friends and gaining new ones, but somehow, my heart still wonder, what would have happened if we have kept in contact? if somehow, both parties had tried harder to keep the friendship? but I suppose there is no purpose on dwelling on the 'what if's' and 'should have's'.
I miss the friendship, the innocences and optimistic view in life. I suppose, we grew up and realize that things aren't as they seem to us back then anymore. Yet, I still miss them.
I suppose what had triggered this blog post was that the curiosity that I suddenly had to check back on the past written work that we had post on winglin. It was then I realized that things are so much different now. For one, we grew up and I realize that the innocences that was once reflected in our writing is no longer there. I looked at the comment page and realize that although the written work suck, we still had support from people around us. We or rather I had innocently believe that it was good. yet, for some reason, I was proud of myself for typing out those words and posted it online.Maybe because it was those very feelings that had sparked my interest in writing the first place. Maybe because I had finally taken the first step and tried my hands on something that I never thought I would do years ago before I actually started.
I wonder, I really can't help but wonder, if I still have the guts to do that? To type out my thoughts, to create an interesting plot for my characters and post it up online for the whole world to see? I used to not care if you don't like my story, yet now, the very thought that someone don't like it scares me. Somewhere in between, I have lost the courage. I no longer have the courage to type out my story, I no longer have the courage to post it up online for the whole wide world to see and I no longer have the courage to properly finish a story. take a look at my computer and there are many drafts of written work, yet not one ever had an ending. All i have were works for competition that had never even been through the shortlist.
I suppose it time to get back the courage to type out my work again. Maybe it's time to stop being afraid and finish what i started. Maybe it's time to stop discarding perfectly good ideas with the thought that it's horrible. It's time to find back the freedom that i once had in writing.
Maybe that is what I am gonna do....
signing off,
wen
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Worst christmas ever....~2008~
Who would have thought that this is how my christmas would be this year? who would have thought that I would spend my Christmas wallowing in depressing thoughts? I thought that I was over this whole depression stage, but apparently I was wrong. Very wrong.
I felt very lonely. As if I was all alone and no one understood how I felt today. I had always thought that I was strong, and in someways, my Australia stay had proved me wrong. I went through an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, and finally the ride had came to an end. Or so I thought. I managed to survive through all the questions, remarks and unwanted comments and I had always thought that it had made me stronger after the whole emotional ride was put behind me.
Who would have expected that all it takes was just a few remarks, a few phrases to bring me back to the very beginning where all the fear and emotions were mixed together that I could barely differentiate one from another? All it fuc*ing take was a few statements to bring the emotional roller coaster back into my life.
It felt so weird, that I can barely believe that he actually stated it to my face. after all, he is my brother, and they are suppose to protect you, to keep you safe rite? Maybe I am just asking too much from him. Who knows? Maybe there is a manual attached to me somewhere called 'How to hurt her'. If not, how did he actually manage to break all resistances that I had managed to built around myself. I know, as most brothers do, they thrive on agonizing their little sister. But somehow, I just did not know that it would be until this extent.
To start off, according to him, I am so pampered so I came back. I don't deny that I am pampered in many ways. SO WHAT? he is MORE pampered than I am. He's just smart enough to talk his way through any situation. As an icing on top of a cupcake, he stated that if my parents ever spend that much on him to go and further his studies, he WOULD NOT have come back. HELLO!!! you went and graduated okay? you had your chance. you grumbled to me how horribly boring life over there is that you can barely wait to come back. but then again, most people don't remember that part because he is an angel in people's eyes. As for the cherry on top which I am not really fond of, he said that if they ever spend to send me over again, no matter where or when, I can never be successful. Finally, he said what he thought and that was what pushed me over the brink. It hurts so bad that ever after hours, my heart still constrict in pain.
Most of you may not realize this, but despite the fact that he agonizes me, in many ways he was my role model when I grew up. I grew up wanting to be him, wanting to be the center of attention, wanting to be the one everyone praises. But I always fall short. I have people around me - my parents, their friends and my family members comparing the both of us and everyone felt that he is the better good and I am the greater evil. I could not sweet talk my way through like he can, I am not as smart as him, not as charismatic as him and maybe in many ways, not a good child like him.
I tried to find many ways to best him in certain areas and although I fail sometimes, I do actually manage to best him. But what do I get? Not even a pat at the back for effort. When I get better grades that him, all I get was 'Nah! It was just luck.' After sometime, I just gave up. I just gave up trying to best him because no matter what I do, no one would see it as a success. After all, who can beat the golden child of the family?
So people, Merry Christmas and Cheers!! hope that you will have a better Christmas that I do...
I felt very lonely. As if I was all alone and no one understood how I felt today. I had always thought that I was strong, and in someways, my Australia stay had proved me wrong. I went through an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, and finally the ride had came to an end. Or so I thought. I managed to survive through all the questions, remarks and unwanted comments and I had always thought that it had made me stronger after the whole emotional ride was put behind me.
Who would have expected that all it takes was just a few remarks, a few phrases to bring me back to the very beginning where all the fear and emotions were mixed together that I could barely differentiate one from another? All it fuc*ing take was a few statements to bring the emotional roller coaster back into my life.
It felt so weird, that I can barely believe that he actually stated it to my face. after all, he is my brother, and they are suppose to protect you, to keep you safe rite? Maybe I am just asking too much from him. Who knows? Maybe there is a manual attached to me somewhere called 'How to hurt her'. If not, how did he actually manage to break all resistances that I had managed to built around myself. I know, as most brothers do, they thrive on agonizing their little sister. But somehow, I just did not know that it would be until this extent.
To start off, according to him, I am so pampered so I came back. I don't deny that I am pampered in many ways. SO WHAT? he is MORE pampered than I am. He's just smart enough to talk his way through any situation. As an icing on top of a cupcake, he stated that if my parents ever spend that much on him to go and further his studies, he WOULD NOT have come back. HELLO!!! you went and graduated okay? you had your chance. you grumbled to me how horribly boring life over there is that you can barely wait to come back. but then again, most people don't remember that part because he is an angel in people's eyes. As for the cherry on top which I am not really fond of, he said that if they ever spend to send me over again, no matter where or when, I can never be successful. Finally, he said what he thought and that was what pushed me over the brink. It hurts so bad that ever after hours, my heart still constrict in pain.
Most of you may not realize this, but despite the fact that he agonizes me, in many ways he was my role model when I grew up. I grew up wanting to be him, wanting to be the center of attention, wanting to be the one everyone praises. But I always fall short. I have people around me - my parents, their friends and my family members comparing the both of us and everyone felt that he is the better good and I am the greater evil. I could not sweet talk my way through like he can, I am not as smart as him, not as charismatic as him and maybe in many ways, not a good child like him.
I tried to find many ways to best him in certain areas and although I fail sometimes, I do actually manage to best him. But what do I get? Not even a pat at the back for effort. When I get better grades that him, all I get was 'Nah! It was just luck.' After sometime, I just gave up. I just gave up trying to best him because no matter what I do, no one would see it as a success. After all, who can beat the golden child of the family?
So people, Merry Christmas and Cheers!! hope that you will have a better Christmas that I do...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Stop & think
Today went to 1U with my mom at about 11.30am. As we were walking around 1U, I was trying to figure out the plans for tomorrow's outing. It started off with karaoke session, but then due to some complication, in the end i changed it to a movie outing. but then, i can't decide which movie to watch. After messaging people non stop, i finally decided to watch transporter 3.
Turned out that there are many of us that are in 1U today. Mae told me she's there and she saw Derrick. Later on, Jeremy told me that he was there too. Too bad i didn't meet Mae or Jeremy. When i found out that Derrick is back in KL, i called him and scheduled a short meeting. After all, he's my pet bro for like 5 years and I really do miss the crazy moments we spent in school and tuition.
Meeting and talking to Derrick brought out many emotions in me today. I was surprised to find him back home, happy that we get to see each other during his short trip and at one point, feeling a little down when he made reference to my stay in Australia. It had really made me stop and think and this is what I came out with.
In many ways, I have stop thinking about my time in Australia, I have stop doubting the decision that I have made many months ago. After all it's already 6 months, and in these 6 months, I have slowly regained my self confidences in making decisions for my own. I guess the topic of my stay in Australia will always be a sensitive issue to me. until now, i still find myself stiffening whenever I hear people ask questions about my return, but I stopped taking it to heart and stopped viewing it as failure.
I guess there are still moments that I would ask myself, what would happen if I stayed behind, but if you ask me if I had regretted my decision, my answer would be no. I had a great group of friends here - Jue, Mae, Brigitte, Siew See, Pei Ling, Alexa. and if I didn't come back, I would not have gain a new group of people that I would proudly call them as friends. Before I left, there were merely acquaintances that I know from Mae, but after I came back, we all became closer and I am very happy to have them as my friends. These people are:Eliza, Luc, Calvin, Jeremy, Izzie, Dennis and a whole lot of other people . I guess, if I didn't come back, I would not get to know these great individuals personally, and that would be a huge waste. They brought more smiles and laughters into my life and I am very happy for it. So, if you ask me, if I had regretted my decision, I would say no. Who would? with such great friends?
Turned out that there are many of us that are in 1U today. Mae told me she's there and she saw Derrick. Later on, Jeremy told me that he was there too. Too bad i didn't meet Mae or Jeremy. When i found out that Derrick is back in KL, i called him and scheduled a short meeting. After all, he's my pet bro for like 5 years and I really do miss the crazy moments we spent in school and tuition.
Meeting and talking to Derrick brought out many emotions in me today. I was surprised to find him back home, happy that we get to see each other during his short trip and at one point, feeling a little down when he made reference to my stay in Australia. It had really made me stop and think and this is what I came out with.
In many ways, I have stop thinking about my time in Australia, I have stop doubting the decision that I have made many months ago. After all it's already 6 months, and in these 6 months, I have slowly regained my self confidences in making decisions for my own. I guess the topic of my stay in Australia will always be a sensitive issue to me. until now, i still find myself stiffening whenever I hear people ask questions about my return, but I stopped taking it to heart and stopped viewing it as failure.
I guess there are still moments that I would ask myself, what would happen if I stayed behind, but if you ask me if I had regretted my decision, my answer would be no. I had a great group of friends here - Jue, Mae, Brigitte, Siew See, Pei Ling, Alexa. and if I didn't come back, I would not have gain a new group of people that I would proudly call them as friends. Before I left, there were merely acquaintances that I know from Mae, but after I came back, we all became closer and I am very happy to have them as my friends. These people are:Eliza, Luc, Calvin, Jeremy, Izzie, Dennis and a whole lot of other people . I guess, if I didn't come back, I would not get to know these great individuals personally, and that would be a huge waste. They brought more smiles and laughters into my life and I am very happy for it. So, if you ask me, if I had regretted my decision, I would say no. Who would? with such great friends?
Standing: Calvin
Sitting (left to right): Luc, Eliza, Mae, Me and Jeremy
Dennis is the photographer and Izzie did not come along with us.
Sitting (left to right): Luc, Eliza, Mae, Me and Jeremy
Dennis is the photographer and Izzie did not come along with us.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
3 weeks back home
It has been almost 3 weeks since I came back from Australia. After 3 weeks, I should be happy rite? After all, I am back home. And yet, there are still times that I find myself staring into space with a heavy heart.
I knew that coming home, I would feel guilty, but I had never anticipated how guilty I would felt. I thought maybe it would be gone in a week or two, and yet into my third week back home, the lump in my chest is still there. Yeah, I may be more cheerful now around the people I know, not so afraid of any snide remarks from people around me and yet, when I am alone at home, the feeling of being insecure is back. I guess that's why I have been going out so often with my friends for lunch or for dinner.
I know that people say or do things that never did meant to hurt. The questions they asked are due to mere curiosity. And yet, when this issue is brought up, I shrink away. It's as if some part of me went to hide in a corner, showing and telling people of what they want to see and hear.
It's just ironic, really. One of the reason my parents wanted me to go to Australia was because they were hoping that I would built up more confidences in myself. And in a way, when I was there, it did. Because I wasn't that afraid to go asking people for help, nor am I that afraid to get around to some place is unknown to me. Yet, after coming back here, whatever that I had built in that short period of time PLUS whatever I have before I went over was shattered. Sometimes, I am afraid of making decisions anymore because I just have no confidences in myself. I just feel so self conscious at times that it even annoys me, not to mention my friends.
These days, I dread of what is to come. Sometimes, just by sitting in front of the computer, I would feel anxiety. About what?? I do not know. Anxiety attack?? I don't think so. Even after sitting down trying to figure out why am I so nervous, I still can't figure out. Maybe because everything is just moving too fast, everything in my life is so out of control, that I just couldn't handle it. Maybe when everything settles into a routine again, I would feel much better.
It's time to stop moping around. Classes is starting soon and I better pull myself together else this is soooo gonna affect my grades. Let's hope not.
I knew that coming home, I would feel guilty, but I had never anticipated how guilty I would felt. I thought maybe it would be gone in a week or two, and yet into my third week back home, the lump in my chest is still there. Yeah, I may be more cheerful now around the people I know, not so afraid of any snide remarks from people around me and yet, when I am alone at home, the feeling of being insecure is back. I guess that's why I have been going out so often with my friends for lunch or for dinner.
I know that people say or do things that never did meant to hurt. The questions they asked are due to mere curiosity. And yet, when this issue is brought up, I shrink away. It's as if some part of me went to hide in a corner, showing and telling people of what they want to see and hear.
It's just ironic, really. One of the reason my parents wanted me to go to Australia was because they were hoping that I would built up more confidences in myself. And in a way, when I was there, it did. Because I wasn't that afraid to go asking people for help, nor am I that afraid to get around to some place is unknown to me. Yet, after coming back here, whatever that I had built in that short period of time PLUS whatever I have before I went over was shattered. Sometimes, I am afraid of making decisions anymore because I just have no confidences in myself. I just feel so self conscious at times that it even annoys me, not to mention my friends.
These days, I dread of what is to come. Sometimes, just by sitting in front of the computer, I would feel anxiety. About what?? I do not know. Anxiety attack?? I don't think so. Even after sitting down trying to figure out why am I so nervous, I still can't figure out. Maybe because everything is just moving too fast, everything in my life is so out of control, that I just couldn't handle it. Maybe when everything settles into a routine again, I would feel much better.
It's time to stop moping around. Classes is starting soon and I better pull myself together else this is soooo gonna affect my grades. Let's hope not.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
1 down how many more to go??
Today is Saturday and it means meeting up with the rest of the family. Usually I love Saturdays, because it would mean seeing the people that meant world to me, it meant playing with the little cousins and it meant that the bonds between family members are getting stronger. I love Saturdays, but today, I wish it wasn't Saturday.
Went futsal with my cousins and no one said anything about me coming home. No one questioned my decision except 1. My uncle.
It was horrible. He took me aside, while the others were playing and gave me a really long talk. It hurts in a way, because he was implicating that I was spoiled, that I had given up, that I quit, that I was weak and that I wasn't being strong enough. It hurt, because he was suppose to understand, because he was suppose to stand by me but most of all because he looked like my dad.
I looked at him as he lectured and came to that realization. Then it became worse. Because of their similarities, I can't help but feel that it was my DAD who was giving me that lecture. That it was my DAD who was saying that I gave up, that I was weak, that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was disappointment. It hurt, a lot, and he was the least expected person to give me a lecture.
All I could do was sit down there next to him, breathing through my mouth, willing myself to look at him AND not cry. I did it. But somehow, inside wilted. Why is it that they couldn't understand why I make this decision? Why is it that they couldn't understand that I WANT to live abroad but I just CANT handle life there? Why is it that they can't understand that they are the most important people to me? Why is it they just can comprehend that it HURTS that they are implying these things?
Why is it that they can't understand that I have tried so hard and failed??
Why??
Why??
Why??
This sux....
This really sux... I still have a dinner to attend with my cousins hosted by my uncle. Hooray!! Another lecture coming up....
I am so emotionally unstable now, that sometimes I fear for myself. Sometimes, all I want to do is lock myself up in my room and not think about it anymore.
No more....
No more.....
Went futsal with my cousins and no one said anything about me coming home. No one questioned my decision except 1. My uncle.
It was horrible. He took me aside, while the others were playing and gave me a really long talk. It hurts in a way, because he was implicating that I was spoiled, that I had given up, that I quit, that I was weak and that I wasn't being strong enough. It hurt, because he was suppose to understand, because he was suppose to stand by me but most of all because he looked like my dad.
I looked at him as he lectured and came to that realization. Then it became worse. Because of their similarities, I can't help but feel that it was my DAD who was giving me that lecture. That it was my DAD who was saying that I gave up, that I was weak, that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was disappointment. It hurt, a lot, and he was the least expected person to give me a lecture.
All I could do was sit down there next to him, breathing through my mouth, willing myself to look at him AND not cry. I did it. But somehow, inside wilted. Why is it that they couldn't understand why I make this decision? Why is it that they couldn't understand that I WANT to live abroad but I just CANT handle life there? Why is it that they can't understand that they are the most important people to me? Why is it they just can comprehend that it HURTS that they are implying these things?
Why is it that they can't understand that I have tried so hard and failed??
Why??
Why??
Why??
This sux....
This really sux... I still have a dinner to attend with my cousins hosted by my uncle. Hooray!! Another lecture coming up....
I am so emotionally unstable now, that sometimes I fear for myself. Sometimes, all I want to do is lock myself up in my room and not think about it anymore.
No more....
No more.....
Sunday, August 3, 2008
fears
What is wrong with me? Yes, I am going back, I am going home, then why is there an uncomfortable feeling in my chest? It felt like it's never going to go away, it will never fade away. As the day comes closer, the feeling gets worse. It's forever in my chest and no matter what I do it will always stay there. I think, it's fear.
Fear of what is going to happen to me.
Fear of what my future will be.
Fear of condemnation especially from my relatives.
And fear of seeing disappointment in my parents eyes because it's their daughter that couldn't stay abroad. Because their daughter is just not strong enough to study overseas. And because in people's eyes it looked as if their daughter gave up. I am so afraid of all these things that even talking online with my mom is a strain. I just don't know what to do if I actually see that in their eyes. This fear of mine, it's eating me inside out and I just don't know what am I suppose to do with this growing fear of mine.
I have talked to people about it, and they all advised me to not mind what people would say because I know what is best for me, but can I really do it? I made up my mind not to care, not to think about it anymore, but from the moment i made that decision Ben messaged me. Ben said that when he told my uncle, he shook his head. Growing up in a family that places education at the very top of the list, I know what that means. He is pissed because he thinks that I am 'giving up'. He pissed because I didn't 'try harder'. Because I am the only one who 'quit' and is coming back.
I cried when I read that message. I just sat down there and cry. I didn't know what to do. Just to think that the people that are most important to me ended up hurting me. In some part of my heart, it died a little, because they did not understand what I had been through and they just condemned me. Maybe to some people, it doesn't matter what they thought, what they say of me, but it does to me. I care because for the past 19 years of my life, I see them every week and I expect them to have some faith in my decision, but obviously, they don't.
What do they want me to do? I was in the most miserable moments of my life, sometimes I think I am already half way through depression and they don't want me back?? They prefer that I stay here and study and even if I really do fall into depression, it doesn't matter? Coming here, I ate way less than what I eat back home, I stone for most of the day - during lectures, during bus rides or even walking - I can't read story books anymore because no happy endings can cheer me up. So what am I suppose to do?? I tried, I tried so hard to keep myself here, HELL!! I wanted to stay here, to stay abroad, to live the life of the characters that I created but I just CANT. I CANT stand this anymore, I CANT do this anymore. I thought I could, but I just CANT.
I am so sick of this. So freaking sick of everything. So freaking sick of the freaking lump that is constantly in my chest. So freaking sick of constantly feeling negative, So freaking sick of crying and I am so freaking sick of caring what they think of me. Why is it that my friends can support my decision and not my relatives?? Why is it that friends that I known for half a year is more supportive than my family members of 20 years??
This has to be the roughest patch of my entire 20 years of life. I think the tears I shed ever since I came here is way more than what I had shed in the past years and when I am younger, I used to cry a lot.
If only they could understand.
If only they could be supportive.
If only this fear would go away.
And if only I did not come here....
Fear of what is going to happen to me.
Fear of what my future will be.
Fear of condemnation especially from my relatives.
And fear of seeing disappointment in my parents eyes because it's their daughter that couldn't stay abroad. Because their daughter is just not strong enough to study overseas. And because in people's eyes it looked as if their daughter gave up. I am so afraid of all these things that even talking online with my mom is a strain. I just don't know what to do if I actually see that in their eyes. This fear of mine, it's eating me inside out and I just don't know what am I suppose to do with this growing fear of mine.
I have talked to people about it, and they all advised me to not mind what people would say because I know what is best for me, but can I really do it? I made up my mind not to care, not to think about it anymore, but from the moment i made that decision Ben messaged me. Ben said that when he told my uncle, he shook his head. Growing up in a family that places education at the very top of the list, I know what that means. He is pissed because he thinks that I am 'giving up'. He pissed because I didn't 'try harder'. Because I am the only one who 'quit' and is coming back.
I cried when I read that message. I just sat down there and cry. I didn't know what to do. Just to think that the people that are most important to me ended up hurting me. In some part of my heart, it died a little, because they did not understand what I had been through and they just condemned me. Maybe to some people, it doesn't matter what they thought, what they say of me, but it does to me. I care because for the past 19 years of my life, I see them every week and I expect them to have some faith in my decision, but obviously, they don't.
What do they want me to do? I was in the most miserable moments of my life, sometimes I think I am already half way through depression and they don't want me back?? They prefer that I stay here and study and even if I really do fall into depression, it doesn't matter? Coming here, I ate way less than what I eat back home, I stone for most of the day - during lectures, during bus rides or even walking - I can't read story books anymore because no happy endings can cheer me up. So what am I suppose to do?? I tried, I tried so hard to keep myself here, HELL!! I wanted to stay here, to stay abroad, to live the life of the characters that I created but I just CANT. I CANT stand this anymore, I CANT do this anymore. I thought I could, but I just CANT.
I am so sick of this. So freaking sick of everything. So freaking sick of the freaking lump that is constantly in my chest. So freaking sick of constantly feeling negative, So freaking sick of crying and I am so freaking sick of caring what they think of me. Why is it that my friends can support my decision and not my relatives?? Why is it that friends that I known for half a year is more supportive than my family members of 20 years??
This has to be the roughest patch of my entire 20 years of life. I think the tears I shed ever since I came here is way more than what I had shed in the past years and when I am younger, I used to cry a lot.
If only they could understand.
If only they could be supportive.
If only this fear would go away.
And if only I did not come here....
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Finally decided
After crying for sooo many days now, I finally decided. Yesterday, I couldn't stand it anymore. All the tears, the misery and the missing and in the end I called my mom. I told her that I can't stand studying here anymore that I want to go home. I told her everything. How much I dislike the classes here, how I don't understand the people here and how I don't get the classes here. After telling her the whole story in between sobs, she finally said that she will discuss with my dad.
They called me through MSN that night and told me that I can come home anytime I want. That was one answer I had never anticipated. I had always thought that they would ask me to stay on, to continue or even scold me for causing them to spend so much money in sending me over here and then have me giving up.
I had thought of staying here for 1 semester, to give the life here a chance, but after going to class today, I realize that I can't do that. I can barely understand what the lecturer said although everyone seem to be understanding perfectly fine. The classes here are so boring, unlike the classes we had back at HELP. I have little friends and no one to turn to. Add on with the homesickness, that was the last straw. I tried envisioning myself, studying there for the rest of the semester but I can't. Everytime I think of forcing myself to go on with the semester, I find tears in my eyes. Going to lectures also bring tears to my eyes and I can't pay attention to the lecturer here and I did try doing that, but in the end I understood nothing.
I checked out the university fees refund and found that I can get a refund. I talked to my dad and he said, if I am feeling that bad I might as well just come back and continue to study in KL. He told me that the choice is mine and that he will support whatever I choose. So, I choose to return. I choose to go back to KL because I just cant stand things here anymore. Coming here for a holiday is alright, but staying here is just not for me.
I spoke to many people, and they all suggested that I stay for at least 1 sem. But the people whom matters to me most, my family, Michelle, my friends all said that if I can't take it there, just come back and I will be welcomed with open arms. I am very very lucky to have these people in my life. I am very very lucky to have them with me. And I am very very lucky to have these people forever supporting me in every decision I make.
So yes, I am going back to KL. I had wondered what people will say, but everyone told me that this is my life and I just shouldn't care what people will think. Only I know what is the best in my life.
Yes, I am going home.
I am finally going home...
They called me through MSN that night and told me that I can come home anytime I want. That was one answer I had never anticipated. I had always thought that they would ask me to stay on, to continue or even scold me for causing them to spend so much money in sending me over here and then have me giving up.
I had thought of staying here for 1 semester, to give the life here a chance, but after going to class today, I realize that I can't do that. I can barely understand what the lecturer said although everyone seem to be understanding perfectly fine. The classes here are so boring, unlike the classes we had back at HELP. I have little friends and no one to turn to. Add on with the homesickness, that was the last straw. I tried envisioning myself, studying there for the rest of the semester but I can't. Everytime I think of forcing myself to go on with the semester, I find tears in my eyes. Going to lectures also bring tears to my eyes and I can't pay attention to the lecturer here and I did try doing that, but in the end I understood nothing.
I checked out the university fees refund and found that I can get a refund. I talked to my dad and he said, if I am feeling that bad I might as well just come back and continue to study in KL. He told me that the choice is mine and that he will support whatever I choose. So, I choose to return. I choose to go back to KL because I just cant stand things here anymore. Coming here for a holiday is alright, but staying here is just not for me.
I spoke to many people, and they all suggested that I stay for at least 1 sem. But the people whom matters to me most, my family, Michelle, my friends all said that if I can't take it there, just come back and I will be welcomed with open arms. I am very very lucky to have these people in my life. I am very very lucky to have them with me. And I am very very lucky to have these people forever supporting me in every decision I make.
So yes, I am going back to KL. I had wondered what people will say, but everyone told me that this is my life and I just shouldn't care what people will think. Only I know what is the best in my life.
Yes, I am going home.
I am finally going home...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
My poor eyes
Yes, my poor eyes. Today, I did nothing but cry. Yes, as in tears and mucus flowing down my face. For the WHOLE day. I thought that I am done crying in the morning when I finally gotten myself to stop after 2 hours, but somehow or rather, the smallest thing triggered it. Imagine this, Me going to toilet, and suddenly I cried. Bad rite?? and definitely weird!!
Writing a facebook message to Michelle was one of the desperate moves I have taken. I was feeling so bad this morning, that I wrote a message to her, asking her for help if she knows if there just anything at all I can do to lessen this. Somehow or rather, after so many years together, she is the one that I would always turn to when I have a problem.
The whole day, I tried to distract myself, by reading, by going online, by anything at all that I can do, but it's just not working. I was feeling so bad, that I didn't take lunch and in the end I nibbled on Pods and biscuits.
Talking to my long lost childhood friend whom I just met back on facebook, triggered everything again. I was crying when I was chatting with her online, but after some time, after some advice, I actually felt a little better. Maybe because she could relate to what I felt and is able to give me a little advice to me.
After talking to her, Michelle replied my message with an extreme long one. Reading it triggered my tears again, this time I cried because I was touched, reading the message that she wrote. She gave me encouragement, worried on my behalf and in a way, it gave me strenght to move on for at least another day. Knowing that she cares, that she loves me for who I am, that she will always be worried, that I will always be in her heart made things here seems a little better. And it also made me felt a little less lonely.
Then, I called and have a talked with her. She sounded a little solemn and I realize, like me, she too is missing me. We chatted about nonsensical stuff and I teared while talking to her. I tried to hide the fact that I am crying from her and I am not sure if she knew that I was crying. There was an akward silence over the phone where the both of us tried to control our own emotions and in the end, I had to put down the phone because it was just too overwhelming.
I just wondered, is it really possible for me to stay here?? is it going to be like this for the next 2 years? People kept telling me that it will pass soon enough, but will it?? How soon would be soon anyway??
Writing a facebook message to Michelle was one of the desperate moves I have taken. I was feeling so bad this morning, that I wrote a message to her, asking her for help if she knows if there just anything at all I can do to lessen this. Somehow or rather, after so many years together, she is the one that I would always turn to when I have a problem.
The whole day, I tried to distract myself, by reading, by going online, by anything at all that I can do, but it's just not working. I was feeling so bad, that I didn't take lunch and in the end I nibbled on Pods and biscuits.
Talking to my long lost childhood friend whom I just met back on facebook, triggered everything again. I was crying when I was chatting with her online, but after some time, after some advice, I actually felt a little better. Maybe because she could relate to what I felt and is able to give me a little advice to me.
After talking to her, Michelle replied my message with an extreme long one. Reading it triggered my tears again, this time I cried because I was touched, reading the message that she wrote. She gave me encouragement, worried on my behalf and in a way, it gave me strenght to move on for at least another day. Knowing that she cares, that she loves me for who I am, that she will always be worried, that I will always be in her heart made things here seems a little better. And it also made me felt a little less lonely.
Then, I called and have a talked with her. She sounded a little solemn and I realize, like me, she too is missing me. We chatted about nonsensical stuff and I teared while talking to her. I tried to hide the fact that I am crying from her and I am not sure if she knew that I was crying. There was an akward silence over the phone where the both of us tried to control our own emotions and in the end, I had to put down the phone because it was just too overwhelming.
I just wondered, is it really possible for me to stay here?? is it going to be like this for the next 2 years? People kept telling me that it will pass soon enough, but will it?? How soon would be soon anyway??
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I hate this
I hate this. I hate the fact that every morning when I wake up, the homesickness pang is the strongest. I hate the fact that I am separated from my family and friends. I hate the fact that for some reason, whenever I sit the bus, I would think of home. I hate the fact that whenever in classes, I would thought of the friends I have in HELP. I hate the fact that I am feeling so negative all the time.
I had tried, tried various ways to get these thoughts away from me, but somehow, it doesn't use to work like it does back home. I know everyone is worried about me - friends from KL, friends here, my family and my cousins. I tried, tried so hard, to keep myself occupied so that these thoughts won't come into my head, but they always sneak through my defenses.
For all my life, my life revolve around my family and friends, and now that I am here and they are no longer a call or a message away, it really made life harder. maybe, I am not suitable for studying abroad....
I am thinking about home, about my friends, I have no mood to study and I am not taking proper meals. Yes, I still eat, but somehow not as much as when I am in KL. What is happening to me?? I am at constant fight with my emotions, in the end who will win?? Me? or my tears??
I hate this....
I had tried, tried various ways to get these thoughts away from me, but somehow, it doesn't use to work like it does back home. I know everyone is worried about me - friends from KL, friends here, my family and my cousins. I tried, tried so hard, to keep myself occupied so that these thoughts won't come into my head, but they always sneak through my defenses.
For all my life, my life revolve around my family and friends, and now that I am here and they are no longer a call or a message away, it really made life harder. maybe, I am not suitable for studying abroad....
I am thinking about home, about my friends, I have no mood to study and I am not taking proper meals. Yes, I still eat, but somehow not as much as when I am in KL. What is happening to me?? I am at constant fight with my emotions, in the end who will win?? Me? or my tears??
I hate this....
Monday, July 21, 2008
First day
Today was the first day of my first semester in the University of Queensland. The campus is huge, one could really exercise just by rushing for their classes if it's located at different ends of the campus. Going there for my first lesson with Sheu, I wasn't really scared or anything like that, just that I was feeling a little melancholy when I realize how similar the things are here with KL.
I went for my first lecture of the semester, the subject code is Comu 1030 and it's called communication skills. The lecture styles are similar to HELP, so it wasn't really intimidating. The only difference is that the class is filled with Mat Salleh and not the usual multiracial classes we would find in HELP.
I had the tutorial for the same subject on the same day. I had some really expensive Sushi in the campus and we lingered around for a while at the great court's field before Sheu thought it was too cold and we headed to into the building. While at the great court, I was suddenly hit with a pang of homesickness. It was much more horrible than the one I usually get and I had to fight real hard to stop the tears from coming. It's just weird, I have lots of people around me, including Sheu who was with me for the whole time, and yet I was feeling so lonely. I guess that's just one of the facts of life.
I attended the tutorial, feeling really depressed and our tutor came in. Unlike HELP, the tutors here are different people from the lecturers. He made up an ice-breaker for us to introduce ourself, and I think in that whole 45 minutes, the only words I said was to introduce myself. Hell, I was so feeling so horrible that I can't even remember what is the last movie that I had watched.
Sitting the bus home, I was just staring at the space, telling myself not to burst into tears. I went in to the house, spoke and watched a few minutes of Days of Our Lives with Cheryl before heading to my room and burst our crying. It was really, really bad. I tried all sort of ways to stop myself from crying but it never did work like before. When I was done, my whole handkerchief was wet. I fell asleep crying this afternoon.
After waking up, I went online and talked with my friends and family member. Everyone of them was telling me that the homesickness with go away soon enough and I won't even want to come back in November. For now, I couldn't even imagine myself staying her for the whole semester, what about for 2 years?? Talking to my friends and family made me realize the extend of how much I missed them. I missed the outing I had with friends, the suppers we had in my grandfather's house, the movie outings with my aunt and cousins, outings on thursdays with my college friends or even just a simple stayover. All in all, I miss them all.
I cried again, talking to them, and I know that in one way or another, they were trying to cheer me up. And in a way, it did. It was nice knowing that they cared, even when I thought that won't bother since they were so many of us leaving the country at once. And it did, in a way helped me calm down.
Before blogging, I went downstairs to help Sheu with her cooking and watching the two Sheu's working together to cook a dinner just sort of gave me a wake up call that in the future it would be me in the kitchen cooking and the prospect is just so daunting. No more cooking from mom and everything single thing will have to be done by my ownself.
Unable to take it anymore, I came upstairs after making sure that I am not needed and when I started blogging, I just burst into tears again. My eyelids hurts from wiping my tears away and I think I am making myself sick with all these thoughts of home, family and friends.
I am sick of feeling homesick...
I am sick of crying...
When will it stop?? Will it ever stop??
I went for my first lecture of the semester, the subject code is Comu 1030 and it's called communication skills. The lecture styles are similar to HELP, so it wasn't really intimidating. The only difference is that the class is filled with Mat Salleh and not the usual multiracial classes we would find in HELP.
I had the tutorial for the same subject on the same day. I had some really expensive Sushi in the campus and we lingered around for a while at the great court's field before Sheu thought it was too cold and we headed to into the building. While at the great court, I was suddenly hit with a pang of homesickness. It was much more horrible than the one I usually get and I had to fight real hard to stop the tears from coming. It's just weird, I have lots of people around me, including Sheu who was with me for the whole time, and yet I was feeling so lonely. I guess that's just one of the facts of life.
I attended the tutorial, feeling really depressed and our tutor came in. Unlike HELP, the tutors here are different people from the lecturers. He made up an ice-breaker for us to introduce ourself, and I think in that whole 45 minutes, the only words I said was to introduce myself. Hell, I was so feeling so horrible that I can't even remember what is the last movie that I had watched.
Sitting the bus home, I was just staring at the space, telling myself not to burst into tears. I went in to the house, spoke and watched a few minutes of Days of Our Lives with Cheryl before heading to my room and burst our crying. It was really, really bad. I tried all sort of ways to stop myself from crying but it never did work like before. When I was done, my whole handkerchief was wet. I fell asleep crying this afternoon.
After waking up, I went online and talked with my friends and family member. Everyone of them was telling me that the homesickness with go away soon enough and I won't even want to come back in November. For now, I couldn't even imagine myself staying her for the whole semester, what about for 2 years?? Talking to my friends and family made me realize the extend of how much I missed them. I missed the outing I had with friends, the suppers we had in my grandfather's house, the movie outings with my aunt and cousins, outings on thursdays with my college friends or even just a simple stayover. All in all, I miss them all.
I cried again, talking to them, and I know that in one way or another, they were trying to cheer me up. And in a way, it did. It was nice knowing that they cared, even when I thought that won't bother since they were so many of us leaving the country at once. And it did, in a way helped me calm down.
Before blogging, I went downstairs to help Sheu with her cooking and watching the two Sheu's working together to cook a dinner just sort of gave me a wake up call that in the future it would be me in the kitchen cooking and the prospect is just so daunting. No more cooking from mom and everything single thing will have to be done by my ownself.
Unable to take it anymore, I came upstairs after making sure that I am not needed and when I started blogging, I just burst into tears again. My eyelids hurts from wiping my tears away and I think I am making myself sick with all these thoughts of home, family and friends.
I am sick of feeling homesick...
I am sick of crying...
When will it stop?? Will it ever stop??
Saturday, July 19, 2008
strong??
I had always thought that I am strong because I seldom cry, but somehow ever since coming over here, crying is seems to be what I do best. I kept on telling myself that I will be going home soon, semester will end in another 5 months, then I can go home, but after barely 2 weeks here, I can't stand it. I am already wishing that I could go home. This being the first time away from home just made it worse.
I don't know how I am going to survive here for even 1 semester, what about 2 years? I know everyone is worried about me especially my family and I told myself even if I have to cry through all 2 years just to complete the course, I would.
Everyone told me that this just a passing phase. But how long would this last? 1 month? 2 month??The whole semester and when I get back home for hols and here again for the next semester, would everything start again?? I would try to keep myself busy, away from thinking about it, but even while walking in the streets, I could just think about it and i would have to start blinking the tears away. It sucks, feeling so vulnerable. When will it end?
I don't know how I am going to survive here for even 1 semester, what about 2 years? I know everyone is worried about me especially my family and I told myself even if I have to cry through all 2 years just to complete the course, I would.
Everyone told me that this just a passing phase. But how long would this last? 1 month? 2 month??The whole semester and when I get back home for hols and here again for the next semester, would everything start again?? I would try to keep myself busy, away from thinking about it, but even while walking in the streets, I could just think about it and i would have to start blinking the tears away. It sucks, feeling so vulnerable. When will it end?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
homesick
Sheu, Rachel and my bro left to Gold Coast airport to pick Shue Jeen and Ching Yee up from the airport. Being all alone in the house allows my mind to wonder. I started thinking back of home and before long my eyes were all red and I definately had one of the worst cries ever.
I had been here only for a few days, and the situation has already been like this. The longest time I had been away from home is a night and after 1 night, I can't help but feeling melanchony. I went around doing stuff for the house with housework, and it work a little I guess, but it seems that had only depressed the feelings for a little while. I didn't really want to tell my mom, since she too had been trying to adapt to the fact that I am not home with her. I don't want her to worry. But listening to her talk make me yearn to be with her...
Being all alone in this room really make me think of the times my mom used to disturb me and how I would complain. It's not that I dislike her disturbing me, but it had been such a routine between the both of us that it had sort of became a game. I think back home, my mom too is going through the same thing as I am, that was what she told me. I brought books, ebooks, psp and I-pod and yet I have no interest in doing any of those things.
I miss home. I cant help but wonder, how am I going to cope with this for 2 years? Yes, I will be going back in december, but now, december seemed so far away. I wish time would pass faster, then I can go home and meet everyone again. Having my brother helped combat it a little, but not much. Even after getting off the laptop chatting with my mom, I could feel the tears are struggling to come out. My bro will be going home soon, so will things be worse then??
I feel like I had suddenly been forced to grow up, to grow independent. Maybe its because for all these while I have been coodled and had everything done for me and after 1 plane flight, I had to do everything for my self. This sux. I am having orientation tomorrow and I am seriously hoping that I can make some new friends and maybe the homesickness would lessen. But honestly, I really can't imagine myself staying here until december. for now.
I miss home...
But I can't go home, not until december.
So, I hope that at least the homesickness will go away.
I had been here only for a few days, and the situation has already been like this. The longest time I had been away from home is a night and after 1 night, I can't help but feeling melanchony. I went around doing stuff for the house with housework, and it work a little I guess, but it seems that had only depressed the feelings for a little while. I didn't really want to tell my mom, since she too had been trying to adapt to the fact that I am not home with her. I don't want her to worry. But listening to her talk make me yearn to be with her...
Being all alone in this room really make me think of the times my mom used to disturb me and how I would complain. It's not that I dislike her disturbing me, but it had been such a routine between the both of us that it had sort of became a game. I think back home, my mom too is going through the same thing as I am, that was what she told me. I brought books, ebooks, psp and I-pod and yet I have no interest in doing any of those things.
I miss home. I cant help but wonder, how am I going to cope with this for 2 years? Yes, I will be going back in december, but now, december seemed so far away. I wish time would pass faster, then I can go home and meet everyone again. Having my brother helped combat it a little, but not much. Even after getting off the laptop chatting with my mom, I could feel the tears are struggling to come out. My bro will be going home soon, so will things be worse then??
I feel like I had suddenly been forced to grow up, to grow independent. Maybe its because for all these while I have been coodled and had everything done for me and after 1 plane flight, I had to do everything for my self. This sux. I am having orientation tomorrow and I am seriously hoping that I can make some new friends and maybe the homesickness would lessen. But honestly, I really can't imagine myself staying here until december. for now.
I miss home...
But I can't go home, not until december.
So, I hope that at least the homesickness will go away.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Emo
Don't know why, but there seem to be an unease in my heart?
The source unknown.
Maybe it's the fear of leaving everything behind?
Or the fear of starting everything again??
Or it's the excitement that was there before had slowly turn into reluctance to let go of everything?
I really don't know, I don't want to think of it. I am even afraid of finding out the truth. But one thing is for sure is that the day will come and there is nothing much that I can do to help it.
Let me just hope that this is just a once off thing, that tomorrow when I wake up, everything will be alright.
The source unknown.
Maybe it's the fear of leaving everything behind?
Or the fear of starting everything again??
Or it's the excitement that was there before had slowly turn into reluctance to let go of everything?
I really don't know, I don't want to think of it. I am even afraid of finding out the truth. But one thing is for sure is that the day will come and there is nothing much that I can do to help it.
Let me just hope that this is just a once off thing, that tomorrow when I wake up, everything will be alright.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
'Mood'-less
Today I went out with my college friends.
Don't feel like blog-ing it.
Maybe because I felt a little drain since I played badminton before I went out with them.
So, maybe I will post up when I feel a lil better.
Sorry guys!!
I had fun today too.
Hugz!
Don't feel like blog-ing it.
Maybe because I felt a little drain since I played badminton before I went out with them.
So, maybe I will post up when I feel a lil better.
Sorry guys!!
I had fun today too.
Hugz!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Getting it out of my system
GRRRRR!!!!
I am angry and I am going to rant it here...
So, it seems this post won't be on my babies.
Yes... why am I angry? Let me start the story...
Firstly, my aunt came over to my place today to watch some DVD's that we bought and since my bro decided to take us out for lunch, she had to park her car. So, she park her car a few houses away from mine.
We had quite a lot of fun today, watching a horror movie called 'the house' that talks about the tale of a haunted house. It was really scary. Since I don't usually scream while watching horror movie and I screamed 3 times when I watched this, you can imagine how scary it was. The storyline was great, capturing, easy to understand and the ghost just looks plain horrible. It still gives me the creeps when I think back about the ghost. I guess that means that no good night sleep for me.
The second show we watch was 'Black Sheep' and I had lots of laugh. Yeah, it's gruesome with the blood and organs dangling but nonetheless it was still quite hilarious. Melissa watched the first movie with us but not the second because she had to go back and help do the cooking. If she did watch, I have a sneaky feeling that she will love the movie.
Anyway, we went for dinner after than and then my aunt decided to go back. She found her car sandwiched between 2 cars and since she couldn't get out without hitting one of the cars, she had to ask the owner of the car to move. Let me get this straight, she was NOT parking in front of anyone's house entrance, just usual space in between the houses that ANYONE could park.
When we ask the owner to move her car, she started interrogating as if she had the rights. When she's finally done, she said that we shouldn't park here because it's HER space and it's only HER rights to park there. Other people should not park at HER designated space.
HELL!! I was so tempted to rebuke her by telling her she did NOT pay for that parking space so the space does NOT belong to her so she can NOT reprimand us like little kids for parking there. HELLO!! Did I see your name there? No?? Then it doesn't belong to you. It not as if someone else parked their car next to my house I chase them away with a short gun or something like that *Rolls eyes*
Anyway, I am just ranting it here so that I can get it out of my system. So, please ignore me. :)
Feel much better now... I stink so I have to go bathe!
I just hope that my next post WILL be on my babies.
Hopefully.....
I am angry and I am going to rant it here...
So, it seems this post won't be on my babies.
Yes... why am I angry? Let me start the story...
Firstly, my aunt came over to my place today to watch some DVD's that we bought and since my bro decided to take us out for lunch, she had to park her car. So, she park her car a few houses away from mine.
We had quite a lot of fun today, watching a horror movie called 'the house' that talks about the tale of a haunted house. It was really scary. Since I don't usually scream while watching horror movie and I screamed 3 times when I watched this, you can imagine how scary it was. The storyline was great, capturing, easy to understand and the ghost just looks plain horrible. It still gives me the creeps when I think back about the ghost. I guess that means that no good night sleep for me.
The second show we watch was 'Black Sheep' and I had lots of laugh. Yeah, it's gruesome with the blood and organs dangling but nonetheless it was still quite hilarious. Melissa watched the first movie with us but not the second because she had to go back and help do the cooking. If she did watch, I have a sneaky feeling that she will love the movie.
Anyway, we went for dinner after than and then my aunt decided to go back. She found her car sandwiched between 2 cars and since she couldn't get out without hitting one of the cars, she had to ask the owner of the car to move. Let me get this straight, she was NOT parking in front of anyone's house entrance, just usual space in between the houses that ANYONE could park.
When we ask the owner to move her car, she started interrogating as if she had the rights. When she's finally done, she said that we shouldn't park here because it's HER space and it's only HER rights to park there. Other people should not park at HER designated space.
HELL!! I was so tempted to rebuke her by telling her she did NOT pay for that parking space so the space does NOT belong to her so she can NOT reprimand us like little kids for parking there. HELLO!! Did I see your name there? No?? Then it doesn't belong to you. It not as if someone else parked their car next to my house I chase them away with a short gun or something like that *Rolls eyes*
Anyway, I am just ranting it here so that I can get it out of my system. So, please ignore me. :)
Feel much better now... I stink so I have to go bathe!
I just hope that my next post WILL be on my babies.
Hopefully.....
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