Worst christmas ever....~2008~

Who would have thought that this is how my christmas would be this year? who would have thought that I would spend my Christmas wallowing in depressing thoughts? I thought that I was over this whole depression stage, but apparently I was wrong. Very wrong.

I felt very lonely. As if I was all alone and no one understood how I felt today. I had always thought that I was strong, and in someways, my Australia stay had proved me wrong. I went through an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, and finally the ride had came to an end. Or so I thought. I managed to survive through all the questions, remarks and unwanted comments and I had always thought that it had made me stronger after the whole emotional ride was put behind me.

Who would have expected that all it takes was just a few remarks, a few phrases to bring me back to the very beginning where all the fear and emotions were mixed together that I could barely differentiate one from another? All it fuc*ing take was a few statements to bring the emotional roller coaster back into my life.

It felt so weird, that I can barely believe that he actually stated it to my face. after all, he is my brother, and they are suppose to protect you, to keep you safe rite? Maybe I am just asking too much from him. Who knows? Maybe there is a manual attached to me somewhere called 'How to hurt her'. If not, how did he actually manage to break all resistances that I had managed to built around myself. I know, as most brothers do, they thrive on agonizing their little sister. But somehow, I just did not know that it would be until this extent.

To start off, according to him, I am so pampered so I came back. I don't deny that I am pampered in many ways. SO WHAT? he is MORE pampered than I am. He's just smart enough to talk his way through any situation. As an icing on top of a cupcake, he stated that if my parents ever spend that much on him to go and further his studies, he WOULD NOT have come back. HELLO!!! you went and graduated okay? you had your chance. you grumbled to me how horribly boring life over there is that you can barely wait to come back. but then again, most people don't remember that part because he is an angel in people's eyes. As for the cherry on top which I am not really fond of, he said that if they ever spend to send me over again, no matter where or when, I can never be successful. Finally, he said what he thought and that was what pushed me over the brink. It hurts so bad that ever after hours, my heart still constrict in pain.

Most of you may not realize this, but despite the fact that he agonizes me, in many ways he was my role model when I grew up. I grew up wanting to be him, wanting to be the center of attention, wanting to be the one everyone praises. But I always fall short. I have people around me - my parents, their friends and my family members comparing the both of us and everyone felt that he is the better good and I am the greater evil. I could not sweet talk my way through like he can, I am not as smart as him, not as charismatic as him and maybe in many ways, not a good child like him.

I tried to find many ways to best him in certain areas and although I fail sometimes, I do actually manage to best him. But what do I get? Not even a pat at the back for effort. When I get better grades that him, all I get was 'Nah! It was just luck.' After sometime, I just gave up. I just gave up trying to best him because no matter what I do, no one would see it as a success. After all, who can beat the golden child of the family?

So people, Merry Christmas and Cheers!! hope that you will have a better Christmas that I do...