3 weeks back home

It has been almost 3 weeks since I came back from Australia. After 3 weeks, I should be happy rite? After all, I am back home. And yet, there are still times that I find myself staring into space with a heavy heart.

I knew that coming home, I would feel guilty, but I had never anticipated how guilty I would felt. I thought maybe it would be gone in a week or two, and yet into my third week back home, the lump in my chest is still there. Yeah, I may be more cheerful now around the people I know, not so afraid of any snide remarks from people around me and yet, when I am alone at home, the feeling of being insecure is back. I guess that's why I have been going out so often with my friends for lunch or for dinner.

I know that people say or do things that never did meant to hurt. The questions they asked are due to mere curiosity. And yet, when this issue is brought up, I shrink away. It's as if some part of me went to hide in a corner, showing and telling people of what they want to see and hear.

It's just ironic, really. One of the reason my parents wanted me to go to Australia was because they were hoping that I would built up more confidences in myself. And in a way, when I was there, it did. Because I wasn't that afraid to go asking people for help, nor am I that afraid to get around to some place is unknown to me. Yet, after coming back here, whatever that I had built in that short period of time PLUS whatever I have before I went over was shattered. Sometimes, I am afraid of making decisions anymore because I just have no confidences in myself. I just feel so self conscious at times that it even annoys me, not to mention my friends.

These days, I dread of what is to come. Sometimes, just by sitting in front of the computer, I would feel anxiety. About what?? I do not know. Anxiety attack?? I don't think so. Even after sitting down trying to figure out why am I so nervous, I still can't figure out. Maybe because everything is just moving too fast, everything in my life is so out of control, that I just couldn't handle it. Maybe when everything settles into a routine again, I would feel much better.

It's time to stop moping around. Classes is starting soon and I better pull myself together else this is soooo gonna affect my grades. Let's hope not.