fears

What is wrong with me? Yes, I am going back, I am going home, then why is there an uncomfortable feeling in my chest? It felt like it's never going to go away, it will never fade away. As the day comes closer, the feeling gets worse. It's forever in my chest and no matter what I do it will always stay there. I think, it's fear.

Fear of what is going to happen to me.

Fear of what my future will be.

Fear of condemnation especially from my relatives.

And fear of seeing disappointment in my parents eyes because it's their daughter that couldn't stay abroad. Because their daughter is just not strong enough to study overseas. And because in people's eyes it looked as if their daughter gave up. I am so afraid of all these things that even talking online with my mom is a strain. I just don't know what to do if I actually see that in their eyes. This fear of mine, it's eating me inside out and I just don't know what am I suppose to do with this growing fear of mine.

I have talked to people about it, and they all advised me to not mind what people would say because I know what is best for me, but can I really do it? I made up my mind not to care, not to think about it anymore, but from the moment i made that decision Ben messaged me. Ben said that when he told my uncle, he shook his head. Growing up in a family that places education at the very top of the list, I know what that means. He is pissed because he thinks that I am 'giving up'. He pissed because I didn't 'try harder'. Because I am the only one who 'quit' and is coming back.

I cried when I read that message. I just sat down there and cry. I didn't know what to do. Just to think that the people that are most important to me ended up hurting me. In some part of my heart, it died a little, because they did not understand what I had been through and they just condemned me. Maybe to some people, it doesn't matter what they thought, what they say of me, but it does to me. I care because for the past 19 years of my life, I see them every week and I expect them to have some faith in my decision, but obviously, they don't.

What do they want me to do? I was in the most miserable moments of my life, sometimes I think I am already half way through depression and they don't want me back?? They prefer that I stay here and study and even if I really do fall into depression, it doesn't matter? Coming here, I ate way less than what I eat back home, I stone for most of the day - during lectures, during bus rides or even walking - I can't read story books anymore because no happy endings can cheer me up. So what am I suppose to do?? I tried, I tried so hard to keep myself here, HELL!! I wanted to stay here, to stay abroad, to live the life of the characters that I created but I just CANT. I CANT stand this anymore, I CANT do this anymore. I thought I could, but I just CANT.

I am so sick of this. So freaking sick of everything. So freaking sick of the freaking lump that is constantly in my chest. So freaking sick of constantly feeling negative, So freaking sick of crying and I am so freaking sick of caring what they think of me. Why is it that my friends can support my decision and not my relatives?? Why is it that friends that I known for half a year is more supportive than my family members of 20 years??

This has to be the roughest patch of my entire 20 years of life. I think the tears I shed ever since I came here is way more than what I had shed in the past years and when I am younger, I used to cry a lot.

If only they could understand.

If only they could be supportive.

If only this fear would go away.

And if only I did not come here....