1 down how many more to go??

Today is Saturday and it means meeting up with the rest of the family. Usually I love Saturdays, because it would mean seeing the people that meant world to me, it meant playing with the little cousins and it meant that the bonds between family members are getting stronger. I love Saturdays, but today, I wish it wasn't Saturday.

Went futsal with my cousins and no one said anything about me coming home. No one questioned my decision except 1. My uncle.

It was horrible. He took me aside, while the others were playing and gave me a really long talk. It hurts in a way, because he was implicating that I was spoiled, that I had given up, that I quit, that I was weak and that I wasn't being strong enough. It hurt, because he was suppose to understand, because he was suppose to stand by me but most of all because he looked like my dad.

I looked at him as he lectured and came to that realization. Then it became worse. Because of their similarities, I can't help but feel that it was my DAD who was giving me that lecture. That it was my DAD who was saying that I gave up, that I was weak, that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was disappointment. It hurt, a lot, and he was the least expected person to give me a lecture.

All I could do was sit down there next to him, breathing through my mouth, willing myself to look at him AND not cry. I did it. But somehow, inside wilted. Why is it that they couldn't understand why I make this decision? Why is it that they couldn't understand that I WANT to live abroad but I just CANT handle life there? Why is it that they can't understand that they are the most important people to me? Why is it they just can comprehend that it HURTS that they are implying these things?

Why is it that they can't understand that I have tried so hard and failed??

Why??

Why??

Why??

This sux....

This really sux... I still have a dinner to attend with my cousins hosted by my uncle. Hooray!! Another lecture coming up....

I am so emotionally unstable now, that sometimes I fear for myself. Sometimes, all I want to do is lock myself up in my room and not think about it anymore.

No more....

No more.....