1@#@!

Now I don't only have a swollen feet that makes me totally immobile, I also have two swollen eyes thanks to allergy!! what the hell? oh yeah, the med that the doc gave which caused the allergy, one of which is a painkiller finally wear off. so it's not only swollen, it's hurting like sh*t. I dont even have the bloody luxury of offing the pain now.

Okay. I am gonna start cursing.

!@#!$@#@#@!$$@#$!@

wen

Looking Back

Looking back at what I once had and what I have now, I realize that a lot of things had changed. For one, some of the closest friends that I once had and vow to never lose them escaped my grip. Somewhere during the process of growing up and going to university, we had forgotten each other and I realize that I miss the camaraderie that we once had.

I suppose this is part of life, losing some of your old friends and gaining new ones, but somehow, my heart still wonder, what would have happened if we have kept in contact? if somehow, both parties had tried harder to keep the friendship? but I suppose there is no purpose on dwelling on the 'what if's' and 'should have's'.

I miss the friendship, the innocences and optimistic view in life. I suppose, we grew up and realize that things aren't as they seem to us back then anymore. Yet, I still miss them.

I suppose what had triggered this blog post was that the curiosity that I suddenly had to check back on the past written work that we had post on winglin. It was then I realized that things are so much different now. For one, we grew up and I realize that the innocences that was once reflected in our writing is no longer there. I looked at the comment page and realize that although the written work suck, we still had support from people around us. We or rather I had innocently believe that it was good. yet, for some reason, I was proud of myself for typing out those words and posted it online.Maybe because it was those very feelings that had sparked my interest in writing the first place. Maybe because I had finally taken the first step and tried my hands on something that I never thought I would do years ago before I actually started.

I wonder, I really can't help but wonder, if I still have the guts to do that? To type out my thoughts, to create an interesting plot for my characters and post it up online for the whole world to see? I used to not care if you don't like my story, yet now, the very thought that someone don't like it scares me. Somewhere in between, I have lost the courage. I no longer have the courage to type out my story, I no longer have the courage to post it up online for the whole wide world to see and I no longer have the courage to properly finish a story. take a look at my computer and there are many drafts of written work, yet not one ever had an ending. All i have were works for competition that had never even been through the shortlist.

I suppose it time to get back the courage to type out my work again. Maybe it's time to stop being afraid and finish what i started. Maybe it's time to stop discarding perfectly good ideas with the thought that it's horrible. It's time to find back the freedom that i once had in writing.

Maybe that is what I am gonna do....

signing off,
wen

The agony

oh! the agony!

really, this sucks.

I stepped on a bloody rusty screw on tuesday. it literally went through my flip flops!! !@#$# freaking irresponsible people who did construction and didn't clear up after that.

so on wed, I had to drag Mae along with me to get a tetanus jab. hurts like shit wei!! not to mention that after every tetanus jab i take, i will definitely have fever and my arm muscles ache like crazy (this is the second time i take a tetanus jab, but i learnt my lesson not to underestimate it). so yeah, I am sort of having fever now, with it coming and going at it's wish, my arms hurts and i can't lift it up more than 90 degrees without it hurting and I can't sleep on my left side. *wails!!* even the cute doc i saw for the jab wasn't worth it. :(

so yes, I was really grumpy this morning since mommy dear didn't let me take the day off and I was really really moody this morning. so yeah, kesian to mae, eliza and another group member for being stuck with me and my short temper. SRY!!!!!!!!

i guess that's all for now. !@#!$!#@!# stupid rusty screw.

gah! i just realize how wrong it sounds wei!!!! haha....

signing off,
wen

My New Expensive Hobby

Been getting addicted to arts and crafts these days and i have to say, it's a really expensive addiction!! getting the frame (unless u want to make it yourself), paint, brush, mod podge from US, papers... GAH!! i think just for making 2, i spent more than RM 200!!

the first one is for Mae's birthday. I forgot to take the picture :(, so cant upload here. Maybe one day I get her to send me a pic of it. :D Made a trinket box for her.

the second one, I just completed it just now. it's a wooden name plaque that I bought on impulse for my room. here's a pic.


Mom say she cant see the words, what u guys think? If can't see, then maybe I change the design and start again.

this is a very expensive hobby indeed. Just started at it, expecting to do many more. fills up my time, catches my interests better than books, but it's way more expensive. Sigh.. why do I always have to have expensive hobbies??

Signing out,
Wen!

Don't look my age.

I don't look like my age. End of story.

Seriously, went to Chilis with my family today and when I ordered alcohol I was forced to produce my ID to PROVE my age before they are willing to process my order. *roll eyes*

When I messaged Mae and Izzie, they just said I look young. haha....

Oh well, this is not the first time someone say I don't look like my age. First time was when this gal come over to my house for survey and she said she wanted to speak to someone legal. Hello!! I am already 19 by then??? haha.... swt. she said I looked like 15. Sigh, secondary school gal. Oh well... As Izzie say, no need botox!

Oh the side note, I have comm in workplace assignment to finish and I sort of gotten into a quarrel with my bro when I asked his opinion on how to answer the question. Typical day in my life. :D

Have advertising quiz to study for as well, but somehow my eyes are itching to read/ see/ view anything except the words in the advertising book. It's like I can read any material now, except for the book. *looks at the book and eyes stray away again*

*force the eye to look back at the book* no!! cannot stray! Advertising marks sucks. Need.... to.... study.... *strain eyes on book* haha. let's just say for now I read like 5 pages? SWT!! sigh.

Since my eyes boycotted me, I am giving it a break. But I am determined to finish reading at least 2 chapters.

I. Am. Determined!

Must. Finish.

I hope.

I wish...

Aiya, you know wat? one chapter will suit me just fine. :D

Signing out,
Wen

7 months

I watched a HK series called "A journey called life". In yesterday's episode, I saw a scene that got me thinking. Which, I really don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing.

In the scene, the gal was 7 months pregnant when she had to deliver her stillborn baby. 7 months. when i saw that scene, the baby reminded me of ME. I must have my lucky stars aligned on the day I was born.

On the side note, what the hell happened when I grow up? How did I manage to grow from such a tiny thing, barely the size of a tissue box to how I am now?? haha!! something must have really went wrong somewhere.... :D

oh well, I love me, myself and I and if u don't then too bad :D

Signing out,
Wen

Presents from leadership camp (warning: super long post)

HEY HEY!!
I am back!!
yes, I survived leadership camp.

Let's see, my muscles are aching like crazy, I can't breathe, eat, sleep or even type out this post without some part of my body aching. My head was pounding half the time I was there, I had cough, flu, breathing difficulty (due to the cough) AND fever. Sorry, no pictures because although I brought my cam, I didn't take it to the jungle so no pictures of what we did.

Let's see, what we did there is really worth jotting down as memories because seriously, I really doubt I actually did so many physical stuff in 1 day. The first day was okay I guess. We arrived at the resort, Trolak Country Resort (FELDA residences) - in Trolak, Sungkai at about 5??. Yes, we stayed in a resident area provided by FELDA. We had 34 people in total - 5 boys, 26 girls, 2 lecturers and 1 lecturer's friend.

We had a tea session and we met our 'trainers' for the whole camp - Alex, Terence and Dr. Natalie (in charge of health). They sort of briefed us about the stuff we are going to do in camp in general like, after activities we will have a meeting to discuss about the stuff we learn. We got into our groups and we are assigned with our first project, creating a group name, logo, war cry and our expectations. We named ourselves, - the ferocious fairies - haha.. seriously, that's our name and we even had a guy in our group. I think our logo is the most feminine one with butterflies and stuff like that. :D then, we were assigned to our room.

I got into the same room with Miki, a chinese gal and Limmy, an african. They are quite nice people. We had our dinner and then we went for our solo drop. It started off with all sort of scary stories like we might meet native people, we might see animals and stuff like that - which needless to say gave some of us the creeps when they told us NOT to smile at the native people if we meet them (in case that means "Hi! take me to your village as your wife" or stuff like that). we were given a code to call out so that we can identify if the figure we saw is one of our people. code is.... Course - HMC.

At about 8pm, we walked towards the jungle, took us about half an hour (just by walking from our residences to the jungle) and we were told not to talk at all. we have to walk in a straight line (like school kids) and then when we reach the jungle, we were told to hold each other shirts. in the end, all of us hold hands instead because of the terrain. they started dropping us unknowningly from the back, so to me who was in front, it felt like the hike was exceptionally long. The terrain was horrible like all forest do, there were roots and plants. To make things worse, it was raining and we still had to trek.

I was dropped off somewhere towards the end and the solo drop begins for me. I didn't really know how long we were there - maybe half an hour or so. At first I thought that I would freaked out but it turns out that I was really pretty calm about it. I couldn't see anything at all - heck, I can't even see my hands when I put it in front of me. We were told to use the time to reflect and I think I MIGHT be a little night vision impaired. Haha... what a thing to reflect. I stood there, not moving at all, staring into the darkness, thinking about petty stuff and feeling cold because of the rain. Finally, the came to pick us up and we left.

went to bath, and went to bed. Just to find out that our aircon is not working. Well, it's working but it's emitting warm air instead of cold air. Miki moved to her friend's room to sleep, leaving only me and Limmy alone in the room. Called mom, messaged Mae, Eliza, Luc and Izzie before going to bed.

We woke up at 5.45 am the next morning for a 2KM morning jog at 6.15am. Because of the rain the night before, I had cough (I had flu before I went) and as most of you guys know, I can't breathe when I have cough. Running made it worse, I had to stop at Dr. Natalie and she kept on telling me to take deep breaths (they looked kind of worried because Alex that was running with us stopped with me and stayed with me throughout the whole time). Talked for a while and finally joined the gang for a very short run from my stop to the pitstop.

had breakfast and went for our real first activity of the day. (by now some of the people are tired from running). We hiked to the forest ourself and went for the short ropes.

it's an obstacle course that consist of (in order) walking over a swing plank at ground level, walking on a rope above ground level with only another rope on top as your grip, commando crawl (crawling on two parallel ropes using only your hands to drag yourself - it's basically looked like a very long stretcher without the middle part. we have to lie on the rope, quite high from group level, with our knees sticking out and feet tuck in and drag ourself over the other side), walking on another 2 swing planks located high up, swinging tires (5 tires, connected to the rope, we have to step on one, and try to move to another, look easy but freaking hard to do and requires lots of hand muscles since the only thing that is standing beside you and getting yourself paralysed is two students supporting you in case you fall) then walk zig zag on the tight rope and then climb the pyramid lookalike rope thing where we usually see in NS and army movies.

Muscles are aching by then, especially the arm muscles because it all requires strength from our arms. I almost fell at the zig zag thing, giving my friends a scare but thank god i have okay upper body muscles to stop me from falling down. When we thought it was all over, we were bought over to the high ropes. this time, it's 20 feet from the ground, we have to climb a J ladder and walk a rope, this time with the safety equipment present. then it's the flying fox! enjoyed that the most. I fell again at the J ladder, giving my friends another scare, but the guy held on tight (thank god they are professionals). chat with him later on and he say that he thinks i weight 60 KG? Really? haha... erm, thank you for the compliment?? haha....

Went back to our room, had lunch and had our third outdoor activity. By now, ALL of us are tired and our muscles are aching. We have to get into our groups and this time play something that goes along the line of 'the blind leading the blind'. We have to plan 4 stations, and walk there blindfolded. Before we get to plan, it started raining again and we were forced to play under the rain (which made me have fever the next day). It was raining so heavy that lighting and thunder were coming about and we all hundled under the hut cos they don't want us to be striked by lighting. when the lighting stop, we have to continue.

It was soggy and all. times up and we have to start our game but there are some changes. Additional 2 stations which made my team got lost around. Seriously, i think my team leader have a 'not very good sense of directions'. We were laughing like crazy cos he fell into the pond and knock his head on the tree and all. In the end, the Miss Jasmine took pity on us and sort of lead us to our first pitstop. we have 20 minutes to find 5 pitstops, and by the time it ended, we only found 1. oh yeah, for every pitstop we miss, it's 10 PUSH UP. So, 40 push ups we go. Shit!

bath and had dinner. then it's night activity. Terence, Alex and Natalie left us with Miss Jasmine, Mr. Joel and Mr. Searson (Mr. Joel's friend) and we mostly talked about stuff and played some games (quite a change after all the outdoor stuff). we even participated in earth hour and talked about the earth and then we were assigned to do a skit revolving our group name. Noticed I said our group name was Ferocious Fairies in the beginning? It was sooo hard to figure out a storyline for it. but in the end we did. Ours revolved around people destroying earth and fairies got ferocious. Get the idea? Good....

We had a good laugh in everyone's skit and then it's bed. I had difficulty sleeping that night, because my airway is like seriously 3/4 block so a deep breath would only give me very little oxygen. It was horrible and so painful to take a deep breath. In the end, I slept sitting up for an hour or two to let the airway clear a little before I went back to sleep on the bed.

Woke up at 7.30 this morning, had breakfast and went for another indoor activity. We mostly did inner self stuff, like negative and positive thoughts and I really think that Mr. Joel and Searson's speech made everyone think. I know i did. Then we have to write a note to our group members, 2 positive and 1 negative thing about them.

here are some of mine from my groupmates....
Positive
- Listen and participates in collaboration of goup ideas
- Easy going person (hmmm... okay, maybe you havent my pissed off mode yet. )
- Made her feel special (okay, understand that, no discrimination)
- Spontaneus, brave (hmm... okay, thanks!)
- Good postive member? (erm, okay... but I didn't really do much!)
- Giving good guidance ( erm, okay...)

Negative... (everyone have their bad side :D)
- Did not do a very good job on the acting part. (yes, I am a horrible actor.. haha. I admit that)
- Got good ideas but shy to express it.
- Too quiet
- can take advice from other people

basically, most of the negative opinions are 'too quiet'. I have to say it's the cough problem!! Nonetheless, they were quite understanding and all. It was fun, working with these people, getting to know them personally.

I took medicine from Miss Jasmine cos my fever was seriously burning up. My cheeks were super red, I was super hot and had to take panadol. then, it was the ride home. The bus driver drove quite fast I think, cos most of us are sleeping and the lecturers went home by themselves. We reach 1 hour earlier than the estimation time. Called my mom, and said goodbye to my friends.

Drank herbal tea, went to bed, tried to clear my airway again since it got blocked AGAIN and now typing the post.

I was really reluctant to go to the camp at first because I thought it was a waste of time. but from the camp, I learn things i never thought i would learn, I know people I never think I would know.

If you minus all muscle aches, headaches, breathing difficulty and rain, I would really enjoy the trip. Too bad the breathing difficulty took away some fun and joy, but nonetheless it was still great. Even then, going for this leadership camp again is not something I want to do in a month or two. Let my muscles rest for a moment or two first. haha.....

Signing out,
Wen

No~~.....

Okay...
was on the way to class today and saw my name on a list. SHIT!!

it's a list for the leadership camp specially for HELP's foundation students. I was like, NOOO~~~

and to make things worse, it's on NEXT weekend, where I planned to go to KL design week (Maybe can go next year' one or something ler) and if possible accompany izzie to her Fahrenheit concert to see her cute guys. Now, all the plans go down the drain.. Damn!! why must be next week~~??? gah!!

I have been hearing stories and all about the camp, and some of them are just spooky. Maybe they are trying to scare us or something like that, but some say that they are dumping you in the forest at night and all. lolz...

If it was with a group of friends, I think I would be looking forward to it, but then, it's only for foundation students and most of my friends from there had already went for the camp. So, I suppose to I will have to make friends and stick through the 3 days. (thank god it's only 3 days - my thinking for now - who knows, it might change if i have lots of fun). However, heard from other ppl like Luc and all saying that the camp is actually FUN, so maybe I might enjoy myself.

Now that I give myself some time to absorb the idea, it's not THAT bad, minus the fact that I can't go on with my plans... lolz..

hmm.. on the side note, I am not very happy with my Comm in workplace marks. Was expecting higher. And I just submitted my english argumentative essay. I am soooo worried about my advertizing and comm in workplace grades...

Other than that, nothing much I guess...

might blog about the camp when I come back.. so you guys can find out if I had fun there or not. :D

Signing out,
Wen

10 times a fool....

Is it me, or is it them? I have been thinking again. I hate it. I hate it very much. whenever I think, it hurts. whenever I think, it had made me feel and understand stuff. Life would be better off without these thoughts and emotions. How I wish life would be as it was before when I was a child, but that wish is plain wistful. We don't get everything that we want, we don't get everything that we wish for. We get what we DON'T want and have to live with it. It's life and it's just that simple. and how I wish life wasn't like that.

I have been thinking and I hate it. I hate that act that I do so often now; I hate it when I reflect on life. Yet, there is nothing that I could do to stop those thoughts. I hate it that most of these thoughts brings tears to my eyes and I hate it that I actually feel weak from crying. A good thing about it is that I think when something triggers these thought. Unfortunately, these triggers comes way too often these days.

I grew up. I understand things, some of the things that I wish I wouldn't. I understand that life isn't all pretty and I know that I am considered lucky to have a family, a home and a steady flow of allowance from my dad. Yet, I also know how other people suffer because there isn't food to eat, there isn't clean water to drink. When I was younger, I thought that life is all it seemed to be, I really thought that everyone have a perfectly normal life. I grew up and understand that life isn't all it seemed to be....

these days, I have thoughts. thoughts of doing some good, thoughts of helping some people especially children. I have thought of going for the World Vision feed a child thing. After all, RM 50 isn't so much to me. I could survive not reading 2 books less in a month. It took me real long to make that decision.

I really thought that they would support me, but when I broach the subject with them, I was called 10 times a fool. I was called dumb, naive, stupid, brainless, a fool when I broach the subject. It was real funny. He always preach that we should do what we could to help others, and when I am trying to do it, I was called all these. They said I was dumb to believe such scam, that I was naive to think that my money actually made a difference. I was stupid to actually WANT to help these people, that I was brainless to believe the organization.

is it really a scam? How could it be when the organization is so reputable? how could it be when I see these programs actually reaching to places like Australia and not only here? If that is so, are the people who had donated money through the 30 hours famine programs are fools too? would celebrities endorse that program? I couldn't believe it, I don't want to believe it.

It was real funny, looking back now. Finally doing something he preach, I was called a fool by him. It was a triple attack, with all of them present. I just sat there, staring our the window as their words go through my head, unwilling to go away. I wanted out, but where can I go? So, I sat through it, hearing them tearing my plans into pieces. A simple 'No' would be enough for me, but it's never sufficient for them. Funny, who would have thought that my first attempt to actually do some good was treated with such negative protest.

Some people may think that they are protecting me from bring cheated, but did they really think that I would go inside something like that without thinking? I know what RM 50 means, I am not that ignorant. yet, they treat me like I am.

I don't get it, I don't get it at all. Needless to say, it was real depressing to know that my first attempt to do something good faced such response.

A fool....

Am I really one?

Signing out,
Wen

The 5 stages in my life

Okay, just as a note, this is not an emo post okay, though it may sound like one at some point :D

I am taking a break from my game playing/ rushing for assignment dateline. I just wanna chill and write something, though my mom would argue that I have been chilling for all these while.

so, have you all heard about the 5 stages in handling sorrows? anyway, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accepting. seriously, I think I have been through it in order in my life, though no one had to die for it.

The realization hit me just now as I was looking through my assignment, feeling pissed at who else? I did been through all the stages, which I believe you guys have too. it was needless to say, weird getting such thought when you are reading about the advertising assignment. if I have to say, when did I finally arrive at the accepting stage in my life, I would most probably tell you it's not long after I came back.

Some of you might be aware of my inconsistent vendetta (none of us died yet :D, i don't think we would kill each other, but still) with my brother and my feelings to some stuff that had happened throughout the years. If not, here's a summary of it. Having a brother whom everyone tells you that he is great and you are not as great as him just sux okay?

okay, some of you wonder, what the hell does it have to do with my stages?? well, since he is quite a presence in my life, he affects it directly with what he does. I am sure most of you know that my mood swings are mostly because of him. yes, back to the stages ...

when I was a child, I think I was living in denial. seriously. I don't want to admit that he is great, that he is so well-liked (yak!! can't believe I said that) and I am the total opposite of him. I use to tell myself, that he is not that great and I have been trying to prove it to my self, but doing weird stuff eg: biting his hand (Yuck, the things I do when I was a kid. sigh...)

I entered the anger stage in my teens, rebelling against them. it was kinda hard to do that because in school everyone thinks that I am a good child (kinda hard to be a bad child when the brother is the golden student in school). looking back now, I really think I am quite innocent in certain times, but I do rebel against certain people, eg my parents. The more they ask me to do something, the more I wont do it. Yeah, it's minor stuff, but it gives me SATISFACTION. :D

I didn't stay in the anger stage for long. I can say that my anger and bargaining stage sort of go together since it interchanges in my teens. I was either going, NO, I wont do what you say, or please, just tell me that I am great - that kind of thing. Needless to say, I loved it when I am in authority esp during my form 5 where i was assistant commander for marching. the pressure is there, but it's just cool to order ppl and they have to follow (I am such a kuku besi - is that the right one??)

It was obvious that the depression stage hits me hard when I was in Australia. enough said, enough explanation and I think you guys are sick of reading it again.

as for the acceptance stage, like I said, it's not long after I came back. You see, after I came back, I was depressed. I hated the fact that no one understood me kinda thing. it got even worse when there were jabs and remarks. but after some time (several months later), I sort of accepted it and have the 'screw you' mentality for bringing it up.

Yeah, yeah, I get angry at me and poor Mae have to read my emo smses but the feeling never stay long. it's just there, then it goes away. It doesn't take up space in my heart, draining my emotions and energy along the way. Now I can handle questions and remarks (other than my brother) quite nicely without getting angry. :D

what had got me thinking about this was really quite a simple and normal thing. Today was SMKBB sports day (my secondary school) and it was not open to visitors except for parents. Somehow, I manage to go in, thanks to someone :D and recorded the whole marching parade. When my bro got home and started watching the video, he started criticizing this and that saying that why the camera is shaking, blah blah blah blah blah.... I was angry. I felt unappreciated. I went there, woke up at 7 just to see and record for you and now you are criticizing me? needless to say, I felt like hitting him and ended up in one of my famous shouting match. he had the guts to HUSH me. bloody hell...lolz..

then, the feeling just occurred to me you know. it was like, suddenly I realized that I am angry but I sort of expected his comments and such. never did such a thing went by without his criticism. I am not trying to say that he doesn't like me or something like that, I think he does love me in his own weird way because there are times he actually make me go awwwww..... haha... it's just that he sees it as his job, DUTY to torture me. *rolls eyes*

So yeah, that's like the stages and I am real glad that I am already in the acceptance part. Not getting all emo all the time (which was scary). :D

on an unrelated note, I guess I wanted to do events management because I love the fact that you actually felt appreciated after you accomplished a job. putting in effort and it being successful does give me such feeling :D

P/s - BTW, BENDAHARA won marching. WOOHOO!! Bendahara ROCKZ!! yeah man!!!

Worst christmas ever....~2008~

Who would have thought that this is how my christmas would be this year? who would have thought that I would spend my Christmas wallowing in depressing thoughts? I thought that I was over this whole depression stage, but apparently I was wrong. Very wrong.

I felt very lonely. As if I was all alone and no one understood how I felt today. I had always thought that I was strong, and in someways, my Australia stay had proved me wrong. I went through an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, and finally the ride had came to an end. Or so I thought. I managed to survive through all the questions, remarks and unwanted comments and I had always thought that it had made me stronger after the whole emotional ride was put behind me.

Who would have expected that all it takes was just a few remarks, a few phrases to bring me back to the very beginning where all the fear and emotions were mixed together that I could barely differentiate one from another? All it fuc*ing take was a few statements to bring the emotional roller coaster back into my life.

It felt so weird, that I can barely believe that he actually stated it to my face. after all, he is my brother, and they are suppose to protect you, to keep you safe rite? Maybe I am just asking too much from him. Who knows? Maybe there is a manual attached to me somewhere called 'How to hurt her'. If not, how did he actually manage to break all resistances that I had managed to built around myself. I know, as most brothers do, they thrive on agonizing their little sister. But somehow, I just did not know that it would be until this extent.

To start off, according to him, I am so pampered so I came back. I don't deny that I am pampered in many ways. SO WHAT? he is MORE pampered than I am. He's just smart enough to talk his way through any situation. As an icing on top of a cupcake, he stated that if my parents ever spend that much on him to go and further his studies, he WOULD NOT have come back. HELLO!!! you went and graduated okay? you had your chance. you grumbled to me how horribly boring life over there is that you can barely wait to come back. but then again, most people don't remember that part because he is an angel in people's eyes. As for the cherry on top which I am not really fond of, he said that if they ever spend to send me over again, no matter where or when, I can never be successful. Finally, he said what he thought and that was what pushed me over the brink. It hurts so bad that ever after hours, my heart still constrict in pain.

Most of you may not realize this, but despite the fact that he agonizes me, in many ways he was my role model when I grew up. I grew up wanting to be him, wanting to be the center of attention, wanting to be the one everyone praises. But I always fall short. I have people around me - my parents, their friends and my family members comparing the both of us and everyone felt that he is the better good and I am the greater evil. I could not sweet talk my way through like he can, I am not as smart as him, not as charismatic as him and maybe in many ways, not a good child like him.

I tried to find many ways to best him in certain areas and although I fail sometimes, I do actually manage to best him. But what do I get? Not even a pat at the back for effort. When I get better grades that him, all I get was 'Nah! It was just luck.' After sometime, I just gave up. I just gave up trying to best him because no matter what I do, no one would see it as a success. After all, who can beat the golden child of the family?

So people, Merry Christmas and Cheers!! hope that you will have a better Christmas that I do...

Grrr! can't afford to be sick!

Grrr!! I can't afford to be sick! at least, not NOW!! I still have 8 chapters of marketing to study, 11 possible essay questions to answer and 8 chapter of lecture notes to cram into my brain. And I just can't do it with my head aching like someone took the hammer and continuously pounding on it. My eyes feels very tired, my body feels like it's so heavy that I can barely lift my hand, and my body feels hot AND cold at the same time. Sigh! sleeping doesn't help, since i just woke up from a 4 hour sleep and my head is still pounding like there's no tomorrow!! Grrr!!

The last day of finals is on Wed, and it for marketing. I hope that I do okay though, since I am desperately in need of all my subjects to be at least a credit. In the past 4 days, I have finished my English paper, Critical Thinking paper and study skills. One way or another, these papers are not hard except for CTS but you have to write A LOT!! for English itself, we have about 15 comprehension questions, 1 close passage, 1 correcting the grammar and 1 essay. Little wonder the paper is about 2 and 1/2 hours. Seriously, it's not hard, but you will have to write until the hand ache. But then again, I have to be pretty relax to finish it in 1 1/2 hours. But no sweat. I only need another 10% to get a credit. :D

Speaking of English, the Chinese gals in my English class is scary! They are going around throwing remarks about people who get higher than them for the assessments. One guy get 3 marks higher than them, they started questioning the lecturer why he gets higher than them even when he doesn't attend to class? Why another guy gets higher than them when he sleeps in class? WTH! So what if people get higher than you? This just mean that people's English is better than you! just accept it la! you don't want to speak English in class, only speaking Chinese, you don't understand when the lecturer explains nor do you listen when the lecturer gives the answer to the passage, how you want to get good marks? You don't even know when to use -ing, am, is, are, a, the and the rest and you want to get good grades? Get real!! When lecture announce that the highest is 55/60 (that's me :D) I was really wondering, if the lecturer tells them that I got the highest, I wonder what they would say. Most probably say that I don't' come class and get high marks. Hey! I skip class AFTER the barring list is out, and it's only 3 times in a week??? haha!!

As for CTS and Study skills, I got both 46% over 60%. I was hoping for a little higher for both, but then, oh well. Lecturer is so kedekut in giving marks, what to do? But comparing to the others, I think i did kinda well :D As for finals, haha!! no need to say. I totally screwed up the CTS paper. Study Skills is also somewhere along the way to doomsville. When I did my CTS paper on sat, let's just say I was playing guessing the whole way. It's something like playing a jigsaw puzzle where I think this is the answer and I just try to fit it in! It totally sux! on the side note, my other friends find it hard too. I just hope that I get enough marks to get a credit which is 65%. Study skills, I think it should be called the writing skills instead, since that all we did for the exams. Writing, writing and writing. 4 short answers and 2 essays. Short answers MUST have the specific term, explanation AND example and it cannot be in point form. It must have a freaking introduction, body and conclusion. So may I ask, what is the freaking difference between the short answer and essay question??!!! my writing was barely legitimate, so the lecturer can happily go and decipher my answer script. Good luck to her! my hand ache by the end of the paper, my writing was so horrible and I don't want to look at it anymore that I just handed it in and left. I just hope I get enough marks again to get a credit. SIGH!!

Marketing is next up. It's scheduled for 3 pm at Wisma HELP, level 4. Have loads to study for, and hope that I can get it done with my stupid annoying headache!!

Wow!! for someone who has a headache AND a body that feels so heavy that she can barely lift the hand up, she sure type a lot of stuff today! :D

Out from the grave again!!

Yes.. yes... It's been ages since Li Wen updated and you guys are most probably going, FINALLY! she updated or maybe you guys don't even bother to visit anymore since this blog has been in the grave for days now.

Within the days from my last post to this, many things happened. I had always tell myself to update my blog on the outings that I had but in the end, I just sat there, starting at my computer.

People left for overseas to studying. Derrick and Ben had already left. Having to know and message them at the weirdest time ever, it's just weird that they aren't a message away anymore. I have known Ben for all my life and as for Derrick, he's my pet brother, I have known him for 8 years now (that's ALMOST half of my life). Somehow, it felt as if my circle of friends is shrinking. I know that this would happen and it's almost impossible to retain all my friends that I had in high school, but the feeling is still there. I am sad that they are going away and yet happy because they are starting a new chapter in life. Who knows, maybe there they will find a girl that would do them good :)

Looking back, I realize that it's really a long way that I have come to with my friends. I still have most of my close high school friends with me and I really glad that they are there. They were there for me when I was down, they were there for me when I was feeling really horrible and that the world is crashing down on me. They were there when I felt that my dreams were slipping away and that my life is a screw up. They were there for me uncountable times, standing by me, helping me to stand when I couldn't face the world. A lot of times, I realized that what we have in our very own circle of friends is something really special and it's really something worth treasuring. I cant help but wonder, after all of us has our very own family, will we still be as close as ever?? Will our kids be friends? Will we still be meeting up together to go shopping along with our children or will this beautiful friendship that we have between all of us is going to disappear? I really like to think that this friendship would stay on and we could grow old together, but who knows what the future brings?? I want to thank them for always bring there for me. You guys know who u are....

On a happier note, I am finally 20!! Didn't really have any celebration or anything like that. Just went out for dinner with my friends, had some fun in the arcade and that's about it. Yet, I had greatly enjoyed it. I received some interesting gifts for this birthday. among them were....

This was made and given by Michelle. Thank you!! Hugs and kisses!!

This was made by Siew See. She gave it to me before I left for Australia but who would have thought that I would be home to collect it anyway? This is the front. She made it herself. Nice!!

This is the back. Nice right?? Thanks SS, Hugs and Kisses

Introducing..... LITTLE DEVIL!! My nick-namesake!! This was given by Alexa and Izzie. So cute!! Me, Mae, Siew See and Alexa saw this and when I go, "eh!! it's me!!" Alexa and Izzie got it Little Devil for my birthday. Thanks gals! Hugs and kisses.

Little Devil and Lil_devil

This Beauty and the Beast rose look alike was given by Melissa. Apparently, she went with LAM to buy it. :) Thanks! It's sitting on my bed now among the cuddles and Bonez. It's 'a rose among the stuff toys'

Thank you to you guys for the nice gifts :) Hugs and kisses!

On another note, I just finish my presentation for critical thinking today. It's my first presentation in Foundation and i think it went quite okay. The orientation question was: "where and what do you see yourself in 5 years?" choose that question on a die. I answered it with 2 words - event manager and the rest are just explanation on what they do and stuff like that. had to talk for 5 min but i was done in 4 min plus but my friend, Amber say that is' alright, sooo.... guess it's alright :)

Going to be busy studying this week since I have an Intermediate English, Introduction to Marketing principles and Critical Thinking this week. First two subjects on fri and the third on Sat. Just my luck that everything comes together for this week. Sigh...

I guess that's all for now. :) Hugz...