10 times a fool....

Is it me, or is it them? I have been thinking again. I hate it. I hate it very much. whenever I think, it hurts. whenever I think, it had made me feel and understand stuff. Life would be better off without these thoughts and emotions. How I wish life would be as it was before when I was a child, but that wish is plain wistful. We don't get everything that we want, we don't get everything that we wish for. We get what we DON'T want and have to live with it. It's life and it's just that simple. and how I wish life wasn't like that.

I have been thinking and I hate it. I hate that act that I do so often now; I hate it when I reflect on life. Yet, there is nothing that I could do to stop those thoughts. I hate it that most of these thoughts brings tears to my eyes and I hate it that I actually feel weak from crying. A good thing about it is that I think when something triggers these thought. Unfortunately, these triggers comes way too often these days.

I grew up. I understand things, some of the things that I wish I wouldn't. I understand that life isn't all pretty and I know that I am considered lucky to have a family, a home and a steady flow of allowance from my dad. Yet, I also know how other people suffer because there isn't food to eat, there isn't clean water to drink. When I was younger, I thought that life is all it seemed to be, I really thought that everyone have a perfectly normal life. I grew up and understand that life isn't all it seemed to be....

these days, I have thoughts. thoughts of doing some good, thoughts of helping some people especially children. I have thought of going for the World Vision feed a child thing. After all, RM 50 isn't so much to me. I could survive not reading 2 books less in a month. It took me real long to make that decision.

I really thought that they would support me, but when I broach the subject with them, I was called 10 times a fool. I was called dumb, naive, stupid, brainless, a fool when I broach the subject. It was real funny. He always preach that we should do what we could to help others, and when I am trying to do it, I was called all these. They said I was dumb to believe such scam, that I was naive to think that my money actually made a difference. I was stupid to actually WANT to help these people, that I was brainless to believe the organization.

is it really a scam? How could it be when the organization is so reputable? how could it be when I see these programs actually reaching to places like Australia and not only here? If that is so, are the people who had donated money through the 30 hours famine programs are fools too? would celebrities endorse that program? I couldn't believe it, I don't want to believe it.

It was real funny, looking back now. Finally doing something he preach, I was called a fool by him. It was a triple attack, with all of them present. I just sat there, staring our the window as their words go through my head, unwilling to go away. I wanted out, but where can I go? So, I sat through it, hearing them tearing my plans into pieces. A simple 'No' would be enough for me, but it's never sufficient for them. Funny, who would have thought that my first attempt to actually do some good was treated with such negative protest.

Some people may think that they are protecting me from bring cheated, but did they really think that I would go inside something like that without thinking? I know what RM 50 means, I am not that ignorant. yet, they treat me like I am.

I don't get it, I don't get it at all. Needless to say, it was real depressing to know that my first attempt to do something good faced such response.

A fool....

Am I really one?

Signing out,
Wen