Tears

I can't help but wonder, on July 10, 2008 when I go to Australia, will I cry in the airport?? After hearing the similar question from several people, I wonder will my tear glands produce tears just before I board the airplane. After all, in most of the fictions that I have wrote, when the main character goes off to another country, tears are involved.

Looking back now, I realized that after I moved to this house that I am currently staying, tears seldom flow anymore. At least, in public. I could still remember, when I was younger and I was still staying in Kepong, I cried EVERYDAY. Back then, my bro nicknamed me - the crybaby. I cried when I fall down, I cried when my brother bullied me and I cried when my mom punish me. When I was younger, I would just stand there and let her punish. I would arrive at school the next day with scars, as a reminder of my 'disobedience' . Just that now, I can't really understand what did I do to be termed as 'disobedience'?? Thinking back now, why didn't I run?? But as I grew older, I became wary of her, looking out for signs. The moment she picks up something unusual directly after I get into a quarrel with my brother, I would run and hide in bed, beneath the comforter. So most of the time, she would just hit the comforter and not me. My neighbour friend would often comment that whenever I cry, he knows that I gotten into trouble. I sure am a handful when I was a kid.

When I came to my teen years, I became rebellious. By then, I was too old for 'rotans' so mainly I was being scolded and nagged. It hurts but somehow or rather, by then my tears won't flow. By then, I perceived crying as a weakness. Even then, if I cried, I would hide in my room, tears silently coursed down my face without making a single noise.

Among the several handful of times that I had cried was when:

I realized that I had gotten 14/40 for maths paper 2 in standard 6. I was so afraid that I would be punished that I went into the car crying, then into my room without telling my mom anything. That had definately scared her. Oh yeah, I didn't get punished that time.

When I moved to my current house and I missed my neighbor. I cried and fussed that I want to go back to my house in Kepong and my mom threaten to leave me there with the tenants staying there. That HAD scared me.

During one of the stay over and the lights in my room was turned off when we went to bed without a small source of light. Being one that is afraid of the dark, I didn't sleep and cried instead. It was embarrassing since my best friends were there (I was in my lower secondary years, maybe form 1 or 2, and I was still a 'baby' back then) It not that I have phobia of the dark, it just that I dislike them, even when I sleep. When I go to Australia, it's going to be my second attempt sleeping without a light. I don't think I am THAT afraid of darkness anymore. Well, I don't scream when the lights goes off, that had to mean something rite?

When I went to Jue Kim's house - one of my best friend - for a stay over. That being the first time I slept away from my parents, I cried, which had indirectly caused Michelle to cry too. It was really, really embarrassing since her parents had to sent us back that night. I think until now auntie still remember it.

Oh yeah, and the time my brother bullied me until it was so unbearable that I cried. That had definately freaked EVERYONE in the car (my mom, my dad, my bro and Michelle). My bro immediately shut up.

When I was informed that my friend's mother passed away. I didn't cry because I was sad since i didn't know her, but because one of my best friend cried. Seeing her cry, I cried along which had once again prompted Michelle to tear too.

And last but not least, when I received news that Michelle's grandmother passed away. I sat in front of the TV crying after I received the news. Which I think make things kind of odd, looking back now since I DIDN'T tear at all when I received the news of MY grandparents' death respectively. Gosh!! what kind of granddaughter does that make me??

Yeah, that are the few times that I had cried that I can really remember - not counting the cries when I made when I was a baby or during primary school. These are the events that had triggered my tears after Standard 6 - which looking back now makes it quite embarrassing since there are somethings that shouldn't make a standard 6 cry. :)