The 5 stages in my life

Okay, just as a note, this is not an emo post okay, though it may sound like one at some point :D

I am taking a break from my game playing/ rushing for assignment dateline. I just wanna chill and write something, though my mom would argue that I have been chilling for all these while.

so, have you all heard about the 5 stages in handling sorrows? anyway, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accepting. seriously, I think I have been through it in order in my life, though no one had to die for it.

The realization hit me just now as I was looking through my assignment, feeling pissed at who else? I did been through all the stages, which I believe you guys have too. it was needless to say, weird getting such thought when you are reading about the advertising assignment. if I have to say, when did I finally arrive at the accepting stage in my life, I would most probably tell you it's not long after I came back.

Some of you might be aware of my inconsistent vendetta (none of us died yet :D, i don't think we would kill each other, but still) with my brother and my feelings to some stuff that had happened throughout the years. If not, here's a summary of it. Having a brother whom everyone tells you that he is great and you are not as great as him just sux okay?

okay, some of you wonder, what the hell does it have to do with my stages?? well, since he is quite a presence in my life, he affects it directly with what he does. I am sure most of you know that my mood swings are mostly because of him. yes, back to the stages ...

when I was a child, I think I was living in denial. seriously. I don't want to admit that he is great, that he is so well-liked (yak!! can't believe I said that) and I am the total opposite of him. I use to tell myself, that he is not that great and I have been trying to prove it to my self, but doing weird stuff eg: biting his hand (Yuck, the things I do when I was a kid. sigh...)

I entered the anger stage in my teens, rebelling against them. it was kinda hard to do that because in school everyone thinks that I am a good child (kinda hard to be a bad child when the brother is the golden student in school). looking back now, I really think I am quite innocent in certain times, but I do rebel against certain people, eg my parents. The more they ask me to do something, the more I wont do it. Yeah, it's minor stuff, but it gives me SATISFACTION. :D

I didn't stay in the anger stage for long. I can say that my anger and bargaining stage sort of go together since it interchanges in my teens. I was either going, NO, I wont do what you say, or please, just tell me that I am great - that kind of thing. Needless to say, I loved it when I am in authority esp during my form 5 where i was assistant commander for marching. the pressure is there, but it's just cool to order ppl and they have to follow (I am such a kuku besi - is that the right one??)

It was obvious that the depression stage hits me hard when I was in Australia. enough said, enough explanation and I think you guys are sick of reading it again.

as for the acceptance stage, like I said, it's not long after I came back. You see, after I came back, I was depressed. I hated the fact that no one understood me kinda thing. it got even worse when there were jabs and remarks. but after some time (several months later), I sort of accepted it and have the 'screw you' mentality for bringing it up.

Yeah, yeah, I get angry at me and poor Mae have to read my emo smses but the feeling never stay long. it's just there, then it goes away. It doesn't take up space in my heart, draining my emotions and energy along the way. Now I can handle questions and remarks (other than my brother) quite nicely without getting angry. :D

what had got me thinking about this was really quite a simple and normal thing. Today was SMKBB sports day (my secondary school) and it was not open to visitors except for parents. Somehow, I manage to go in, thanks to someone :D and recorded the whole marching parade. When my bro got home and started watching the video, he started criticizing this and that saying that why the camera is shaking, blah blah blah blah blah.... I was angry. I felt unappreciated. I went there, woke up at 7 just to see and record for you and now you are criticizing me? needless to say, I felt like hitting him and ended up in one of my famous shouting match. he had the guts to HUSH me. bloody hell...lolz..

then, the feeling just occurred to me you know. it was like, suddenly I realized that I am angry but I sort of expected his comments and such. never did such a thing went by without his criticism. I am not trying to say that he doesn't like me or something like that, I think he does love me in his own weird way because there are times he actually make me go awwwww..... haha... it's just that he sees it as his job, DUTY to torture me. *rolls eyes*

So yeah, that's like the stages and I am real glad that I am already in the acceptance part. Not getting all emo all the time (which was scary). :D

on an unrelated note, I guess I wanted to do events management because I love the fact that you actually felt appreciated after you accomplished a job. putting in effort and it being successful does give me such feeling :D

P/s - BTW, BENDAHARA won marching. WOOHOO!! Bendahara ROCKZ!! yeah man!!!