Emotions and thoughts again

It seems that after so many months I still can't get over it. To some people, you guys might think, what is the big deal?? isn't 6 months more than enough for me to get over it? well, it seems that it's not enough. there are times that I wonder if I will EVER get over the whole issue. Just when I thought 'Yes, I am over it', BANG, the truth came out and I am back to where I started.

I have heard countless of times where people would describe me as cheerful, happy go lucky or even as someone who has no worries and there are times that I really believe what they say. But in many ways, the happy face that I put on sometimes is just a facade. I can smile when I feel like crying, I can smile when I am feeling very down and I can smile when I am feeling very irritated and feel like killing you. In the beginning, that was the way I am around my family and family friends, and I think up till now, the facade is still up at certain times. Not many people could see through what I am thinking at times like this but they are exceptional people that could. they are my friends - expecially Mae and Siew See. They understand my mood, they understand my emotions and they could see through the facade that I put on. I don't mind them knowing how I really feel but not other people, maybe because they are so close to me, that I just can't imagine how boring life would be without them. They are the one that I turn to when I am trouble, they are among the few that are privilaged to see my tears. Even my parents don't get to see me crying.

Some of you may wonder, why, why keep such tight reins on my emotions? why not let them flow? why not just let them be? I myself too do not know the answer. Maybe it's because I view crying as a weak thing and I don't want to be weak in front of people. Someone once told me, that it's alright for me to cry, it's alright for the tears to flow, and yet, up till now I feel embarassed to let people see me cry.

What had happened earlier once again told me how much the whole 'coming back' issue bothers me especially when it comes to my family. and once again, it was my family that dealt that unwanted and unwarranted blow. I don't usually take people's words to heart but somehow, this whole issue bugs me. somehow, it is only this issue that can deal such a blow to my self confidences and emotions. If it's any other issue, I would just ignore you and act as if you are just sprouting real crap.

So, what had happened earlier that brought about this post? Most of you are definately aware of my intense fear of lizards, though it subside a little in the past few years. I avoid them as much as I could and it bothers me to actually have a lizard in the same room. That's why Mae always warn me when there's one nearby. Then I can actually avoid it. Really appreciate it.

Imagine this. I was helping my family to take down the lanterns for CNY and HE was sitting in front of me blocking the path out. A lizard fell on my hand, being stuck there for about 5 seconds before it registered into my mind that a freaking LIZARD was on my hand. Acting on pure fear, I screamed, fling and shook my hand as hard as I could, somehow hoping that the lizard would hit the wall and DIE. But like all lizards do, they DON'T. DAMN!!

somehow, unable to run away, I just stood there, screaming, flinging my hand, and giving HIM a scare. HE didn't move away so I could make a run for it, but rather he said stuff that I rather not repeat here. Nonetheless, I ignored it and quickly walked into the house to get away from that lizard. Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough. I heard what HE told my mom. I quote them...

"what the hell she was doing, screaming like that? gave me a scare."

"you should know that she was afraid of lizards. You were sitting there, she can't move so she can't run away, can she?"

" she's afraid of a freaking lizard. you guys spoilt her so much that's why she's afraid of lizard and now she's CAN'T GROW UP. that's why she came back from Australia. She's WEAK."

Please can someone tell me the connection between coming back from Aussie and being afraid of lizards? Would staying in Australia actually cure this fear of mine? I really don't think so. So why connect these two together? I just don't understand....

When I heard that, how i wish that I didn't hear it. Because it was then that he showed me how HE had viewed me, even though he comes running to me when he face a problem or needed an opinion. This was not the first time he said that and I doubt it would be the last.

the first few time he said that, I told myself, he didn't understood what his words can do to me. If you guys actually read this blog, you would find that in the previous post, I wrote about how I view HIM (if you did, you will know who I am talking about) but after actually seeing what his words can do to me (I actually cried and he saw once) I thought that he would stop. But I guess I was wrong.

He either didn't care how I feel at all, or he just put put it at the back of his mind, sprouting words like this without even thinking how it would affect me.

Don't worry people... I will get over this soon enough. I suppose a few battles on Rock legends, a few intense button pressing on the PSP imagining that he's the enemy and a good night sleep would bring back the previous me. :D

Signing out,
Wen